OK, so I've been in various degrees of pain for almost a week, ranging from mild aches to searing spikes so sharp they'd double me over with accompanying man-screams. This has necessitated the use of some staggeringly powerful painkillers, which resulted in one night where I literally didn't know where I was, everything was so foggy and hard to hold onto, but I was still in pain.

Sleeping has become some strange obsession, as I am always on the verge of nodding off and yet getting through a solid night of it has been proving impossible. I wake up with a yell as some pain spike drives itself into my head, roll over, grab some painkillers from the bedside table, then gingerly roll back over and try and get back to sleep.

At one point I was chilling so hard I could barely walk, lurching instead from room to room like some bizarro mummy in a bathrobe. Taking my temperature has been like some absurdist lottery game. The little digital thermometer's screen is placed just far enough out that I can read it as it's calculating, so every time I take my temp I find myself trying to guess what the final number will be. "C'mon, 98.6! 98.6! 96, 97, 98... Oops, no, there it went, damn, okay, up to 99, okay, you can stop now, 100, 101, 102... C'mon, dammit..." The final numbers have ranged from 99 to 104. I have yet to win this lottery.

So, yes, there's been all of this, plus I've lost some of the hearing in my right ear (temporarily, I assume/hope). I'm even hesitant to actually leave the house because I am unsold on the quality of my driving ability at the moment. But, there is an upside. Believe it or not, through all of this, there is an upside.

Since the last time I weighed myself, I've lost ten pounds. I am planning on writing what will obviously become a bestselling book: "THE MISERY DIET: How to launch yourself into swimwear season through pain and disease!"

Jeezus. I'd like to extend a special thanks to the Nicks, Kate and my mom for putting up with me for the last week. This has sucked on so many levels.